Free Candy At Work: A Haiku Tribute

Searching for candy
I roam the halls aimlessly
But I'm not hungry

BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!

And what better way to segue back into the web-world than with some pics of celeb's eating. Enjoy!

Check out http://www.celebrities-eating.com/ for more

National Start Eating Healthy Day

I have not been eating healthy at all. And I probably haven’t been blogging because instead of being a skinny girl who thinks she’s fat, I’m slowly becoming a fat girl (kidding, kind of). The good news is that today is National Start Eating Healthy Day and even though I’ve already eaten lunch and had no idea that this day was a thing…I’m going to pretend that I did and did everything completely intentionally because I have been on a terrible eating bender. And by bender I mean it’s been going on for like 6 months. Here are my excuses: family illness (everyone’s ok), broke up with my long-term bf (he’ll be fine whatever), started dating someone new (el scandalo and helllooo eating out), hated my job, loved my job, stressed about my job…in sum…I ate my feelings. Annnnddd on top of that I decided that I didn’t want to keep exercising. So, surprise! I gained some weight. I should vow here and now that today is the day I wake up and use common sense to lose weight! Stop eating when I’m full! Eat more fruits and veggies! Exercise more! BURN MORE CALORIES! But I’ve done that before and I don’t want to lie to you, almighty blogosphere. Sooo, I’m going to do my best and hopefully drop a pant size or two along the way. Are you celebrating National Start Eating Healthy Day?

~Love Handles

Why Even I Think Meme Roth is the Devil and Fun with Nightline's Debate

Last night on Nightline's Face-Off, 4 panelists (really 2 panelists) talked about whether or not it's ok to be fat. Panelists included Crystal Renn, model and author of "Hungry: A Young Model's Story of Appetite, Ambition and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves" and Marianne Kirby, co-author of "Lessons From the Fat-O-Sphere" facing off against Meme Roth, president of National Action Against Obesity and Kim Bensen, author of "Finally Thin." In reality it was more of a Marianne Kirby vs. Meme Roth hatefest.

If you're wondering who Meme Roth is, please don't google the National Action Against Obesity. Read this article by Jezebel because going to the NAAO site might trick you into thinking she's legit.

After listening to the debate, I was surprised at how much I was incensed by Meme. After all, 'annoying things fat people do' articles don't write themselves. I honestly sometimes find fat people annoying. BUT, this woman obviously didn't get enough hugs as a kid because she came across as not only illogical in some ways but also VERY spiteful. I felt extremely uncomfortable for Crystal. This woman, who I'd give my left leg to look like (see above), is coming from a place of finally accepting herself after an eating disorder and has to listen to Meme talk about how we need to vilify food?!

Don't get me wrong. I think that Marianne Kirby is wrong too. I'm sorry but there's a difference between a little bit around the middle and what she has going on. But, if that's her choice, that's her choice. I'm not sure I buy her 'dieting made me this way' spiel. I think we're all in control of our choices, but if she feels good fat. More power to her.

I think it's too bad that someone who advocates a good cause, healthier lifestyles, comes across as so...Ann Coulter-y. I'm sure Meme would take that comparison as a compliment. And that's exactly the problem. What did you think of last night's debate?

~Love Handles

Ps--Also, apologies to Kim Bensen, who might have had some interesting things to say but got WAY overshadowed by craziness. I hope your publicist had a pow wow with the editors at Nightline.

Confessions of a Skinny Girl Who Thinks She's Fat--Weight Watchers at Work

My work is offering Weight Watchers in the office at discounted prices and I'm excited. Excited because I'm going to join the WW cult, you ask (what is UP with that picture)? HELL NO.

Weight Watchers has never really appealed to me because of the advanced algebra that seems to go into calculating points. '4g of fiber plus 16g of protein minus 10 g of fat', no thanks. I like to stop thinking past number of calories and maybe even before then. Also, the thought of sharing feelings and my emotional issues with food with my cubicle mates doesn't sound appealing.

I'm excited because maybe now people will stop bringing butter cakes into the office. Yes, I learned today while eating my snack of pickles that butter cakes are a thing. There is one sitting literally on the table next to me. Delicious sounding, obviously. BUT, maybe if this baking devil joins WW she won't bring in a 1,000 point cake. My wish is that everyone here who keeps bringing this great stuff in joins, maybe then I can fit into my Sevens again and we'll all be happy.

~Love Handles

Daily Fat Pants Photo

Yeah yeah yeah, she's skinny . . . but where's the T&A???

Skinny Girls Who Think They're Fat got it going on . . .

-ArmFat

Biggest Loser: Corporate Style

I have previously complained to Love Handles about how my company does a company-wide version of "The Biggest Loser." It's the same principle, except everyone pays a $20 entrance fee and then the winner at the end of the 10-weeks period gets all the money. This has been going on here for about two years.

When I first heard about it, I was horrified. Who would possibly want to weigh themselves in a public forum comprised of all people you work with!?!? It's MAD. And beyond that, there is one person specifically set aside to watch you weigh yourself, record it and then secretly pass judgment while telling you that you can do better next week.

Well folks, something in me has changed; the time has come and I have joined the program. The money is incentive enough, but I didn't realize until I spent a night at a concert sipping water and passing on all offers of $2 PBRs that the streak of competition running through me is fierce. I am motivated by sheer, biting competition to annihilate all these lovely young women I stand in line with, waiting to get hearded into the "weigh in" room.

We are officially in our fifth week of the program; exactly half way. Staying true to my commit-to-something-for-a-week form, I lost six pounds in the first week and won the weekly weigh-in competition. I was euphoric. But since, I have bobbled up and down to pretty much remain the same since my weigh in that first week.

Here is my re-commitment that will hopefully surpass the one-week results I have become used to obtaining. I suppose this could begin to classify me as a yo-yo dieter, although usually I don't even make much of a net-loss from start to finish. My ultimate goal, aided by the provision of Hot Yoga Groupon this morning is to actually exercise.

Yes, I know it's crazy. To look toward making a healthy choice in the progress of weight loss rather than substituting a diet of raw foods or no carbs. I will let you know where this crazy journey takes me. Wish me luck, fellow dieters.

-ArmFat

Daily Random Fat Pants Photo

JogTunes: The best invention for working out to music SINCE music

According to Women's Health Magazine, you are more likely to workout when you have music available. Duh. I think I can safely say that all of us who have hopped on a treadmill can agree we enjoyed Lady Gaga far more than the monotonous rhythm of our feet plugging along.

However, to supplement this thought, the magazine introduced a new site that I think I just may try. JogTunes.com allows you to enter the beats per minute (BPM), a genre, and an artist (or any combination of these) and it will generate a list of songs you should download to match your workout goals! There's even an "Indie Music Search" if you are sick of Taylor and Rhianna.

If you already have a set playlist in mind, you can alsoenter a song title and artist and the site will tell you the BPMs youhave been pumping iron to all along! As for me, I have been rocking the119 BPM with Poker Face when I could have been Chasing Pavements with Adele at a BPM of 162.

I will be putting together a jog miss for my trip to the gym tonight. Weigh in is tomorrow and after a healthy dose of baguette last night, I need all the help I can get!

-ArmFat

Man Self Esteem Issues for Once

One step closer to men ogling their love handles in front of the mirror for hours . . .

-ArmFat

Daily Fat Pants Photo

Good job to this guy!

-ArmFat

Weigh in: Biggest Loser Update

Well, folks, today was weigh in. And bad news: I gained weight! My workout plan backfired horribly!

I am convinced now and it has done nothing but make me believe that working out is completely non-essential to weight loss. HOWEVER, I did invest all that JogTunes research and bought a package at the hot yoga studio, so I suppose I will continue the plan for another couple of weeks. Hopefully at the very least, even if my ass stays big, it will be a bit perkier.

I'll keep you all updated about the status of that goal and my many others . . .

-ArmFat

Confessions: I Slept with Tucker Max . . . while eating a sandwich **

I'm sure by now most have you have heard of Tucker Max, the brains and beauty behind the intelligent book and film I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Well, after reading the true account of Courtney A's experience with Tucker at LemonDrop.com recalling her bed room adventures with Tucker Max, I have been inspired to tell my story here.

It all started one cold night in Indiana when I decided I needed a #5 Vito from Jimmy John's. You know the one. Salami, Ham. Provolone. Delicious.

There I was, standing in line wearing my fat pants since I had already downed two Pumpkin Spice Lattes earlier in the day. As I am ordering my little slice of heaven from the counter attendant, in walks Tucker and entourage. It must have been the Giselle-like view of my hot behind (as described here) that provoked the one-liner he laid on me. I was hooked. He asked me to go home with him and I agreed. If my sandwich could come with.

Flash forward one delicious smelling cab ride later and we were back at his hotel. I couldn't wait to eat my sandwich. Tucker must have been in a hurry and had other plans. There was only one thing to do as he started kissing me and inching toward the couch. Make the grab now or regret it for the next seven minutes. It was on.

As we tumbled toward the pink scratchy couch pillows, I clutched the Jimmy John's bag tightly in my fingers. Kissing Tucker, I was able to tilt my head sideways to procure a view as I slowly opened the bag. I pulled out my sandwich and slowly pulled back the waxy paper. The sandwich appeared, ready to be bitten, just as Tucker started kissing my neck. This was it. My mouth was free.

Keeping one hand on the back of his head to ensure he wouldn't suddenly change locations, I took the first glorious bite. The salami seemed to melt in my mouth as the provolone stood sharply apart from the other greasy, spicy flavors. That's when Tucker went for the elastic waistband on my fat pants. What happened next was magical.

I bit into a pocket of capicola and onion and the flavors of the toasty bread, greasy meat and cold crisp cheese all blended together in my mouth. The net seven minutes were beautiful. Not too sure what Tucker was doing down there, but I enjoyed #5 Vito right down to the very last bite. I crumpled up the paper and tossed it behind the couch just in time and Tucker was none the wiser.

So in many respects, my interlude with Tucker was much more pleasant than Courtney A's. And it's all thanks to the joys of Italian deli meat.

- ArmFat

** Disclaimer: This confession may be slightly exaggerated or completely made up **

This really happened. . .

I went to Muffin Top’s desk to dip some of my cucumbers in the jar of hummus that we ate all of today.

Here was our conversation.

MT: What else can you dip in hummus? Snap peas?

LH: Yeah, and carrots.

MT: Hydroxycut? Cocaine?

LH: Yep, Laxatives too.

We then proceeded to finish off the bag of pita chips. Today=bad day. Luckily the crew is going out to drink some of these…that will probably make up for it.

~Love Handles

Confessions of a Skinny Girl who Thinks She's Fat

I need to talk about my new obsession: flaxseed.



I’ve been talking to Muffin Top and Arm Fat about it endlessly so I figured that maybe I need a new place to discuss it because I’m positive they’re starting to think I’m crazy. Simply put, I’m pretty sure flaxseed has magical qualities.

Since Monday I have put a teaspoon and a half in my oatmeal in the mornings. Since then I have been feeling fuller, wanting sugar less and feeling like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Why it’s magic I don’t know. Maybe it’s fiber? Maybe it’s mental? But I don’t really care. I just figured I’d share the wealth because me + flaxseed=happy.

The only way flaxseed could be better is if it walked over to my ex-boyfriend and slapped him. But that’s really the only way and you can’t really except something you add to your oatmeal to be capable of that. So, I guess it’s just completely awesome.

~Love Handles